Coping Strategies
When we perceive people with our relationship model lenses, we're respond with a negative, sometimes painful experience. We cope with these negative feelings by doing one or more of the following coping strategies. The problem with these coping strategies is that they reinforce the underlying beliefs that triggered the negative feelings, and often the coping behaviors damage our relationships further. That's why our coping strategies show up as repeating behavioral patterns throughout our lives.
Avoid/Withdraw
Avoid activating situations mentally or physically
We detach or distance ourselves from people, physically or emotionally in order to dampen or escape negative feeling
Excessive autonomy, social withdrawal, stimulation-seeking, addictive self-soothing or psychological disassociation
Avoidant behavior can sever connections, prevent intimate relationships from forming, or create social isolation
Avoidance brings short term relief, but at the cost of being disconnected from our thoughts and feelings, making it a harder habit to break in the long run
Surrender
Distort perception of reality by attempting to make reality support their models
Passive inaction to confirm our reality
We surrender to our false beliefs by misinterpreting events and rationalizing behavior to be consistent and not challenge these beliefs
We are also compliant and agree with model-confirming treatment even though it may hurt us or our relationships
We are comforted by having our (false) worldview validated and consistent
Results in experience negative emotions but also positive in feeling their world is predictable
Overcompensate/Attack
Engaging in activities they believe will help them deny their models by attempting to disprove their models to themselves and others
Attempts never fully work and leave people unsettled, ironically perpetuating the strength of the models
Proactive actions that prevent our reality from being challenged but hurt others as a side-effect
Aggression, dominance, excessive self-assertion, manipulation or rebellious behavior
We overwork to convince ourselves and others that our relationship models aren't true
Example: If we believe that we are worthless or defective we may strive to have careers or positions that society deems successful
Gaining success from overworking brings some relief but the underlying negative feelings persist
At extreme levels the overwork can make us neglect the needs of our partners or our own
Connection with partners is severed every time they're attacked
These coping strategies bring short-lived relief at a great cost and prevent us from confronting and change our relationship models.
In relationships, many maladaptive coping strategies can be found, leading to a destructive behavioral patterns. Many coping strategies are learned from watching our family or behavior permeating in culture.
Common Coping Strategies For Relationship Models
Often people have a mix of coping strategies depending on their models. Sometimes people will use one coping behavior with one relationship but not the other. For example, a Self-Sacrificer might be angry at a colleague who didn't reciprocate a favor, but with their romantic parter, they continue prioritizing their needs over their own. Also note that some coping behaviors are the same for different models. Knowing one coping behavior won't be enough to infer their models.
Next to the model names is an alias that reflects the type of behaviors you'd expect to observe from those possessing the model. For example, it's not uncommon to find Self-Sacrificers helping other people, or those with Unrelenting Standards to excel in their professional lives.
Self-Sacrificing | The Helper
Avoidance
Avoids close relationships
Surrender
Self-denial, does too much for others, not themselves
Overcompensate
Becomes angry at partner for not meeting their needs, decides not to do anything for them anymore (denying they need to do things for others with a risky confrontation)
Abandonment | The Clinger
Avoidance
Avoid relationships altogether
Surrender
Selecting partners who are unavailable or unpredictable
Overcompensate
Clingy, possessive, or controlling (possible by denying they will ultimately be abandoned)
Mistrust | The Suspecter
Avoidance
Avoids relationships, does not self-disclose
Surrender
Choose untrustworthy partners, overly suspicious of them
Overcompensate
Exploits others, acts overly trusting (disproves people can't be trusted)
Exclusion | The Solitarian
Avoid/Withdraw
Avoids socializing
Surrender
Becomes part of a group but doesn't fully join in
Overcompensate
Puts on a fake persona in groups (makes them feel no excluded)
Entitlement | The Dominator
Avoidance
Avoids situations where they cannot excel or stand out
Surrender
Has unequal/uncaring relationships, selfish behaviors, disregards needs/feelings of others
Overcompensate
Extravagant gifting, charitable contributions (disprove selfishness)
Dependence | The Over-reliant
Avoidance
Procrastinate, avoid acting independently
Surrender
Asks for help excessively, checks decisions with others, chooses overprotective partners
Overcompensate
Demonstrate excessive self-reliance
Emotional Deprivation | The Demander
Avoidance
Avoids relationships
Surrender
Chooses cold, detached partners
Overcompensate
Makes unrealistic demands that partner meet all their needs
Defectiveness | The Critic
Avoidance
Avoid sharing shameful thoughts with partner
Surrender
Chooses critical partners, self-deprecates
Overcompensate
Overcritical of others, tries to come across as perfect
Failure | The Defeatist
Avoidance
Procrastinates on work tasks, avoid setting career goals that are reasonable
Surrender
Sabotages work efforts, working below level of ability, compares themselves as a failure to others
Overcompensate
Perfectionist, diminish achievements of others (therefore making their failure not as bad in comparison)
Unrelenting Standards | The Overachiever
Avoidance
Avoids taking on work tasks, procrastinates
Surrender
Attempts to perform perfectly, set high standards for themselves and others
Overcompensate
Settles for below average performance (denying the need to achieve)
Other Destructive Behavioral Patterns
A certain pattern of behavior that repeats, runs in a cycle, or a consistent response/reaction to a particular situation between two people that deteriorates the relationship.
Blaming
Attacking
Accusations/criticisms/put-downs
Clinging
Claiming things like "I cannot live without you"
Stonewalling or withdrawing
Contempt
Defensiveness
Criticism
Controlling
Clinging after an argument
Distancing/avoidance
Partner falling into "friend dynamic"
Parenting your partner
Making the other persons experience wrong
Rationalization
Plausibly reasons a justification of an action or opinion
Repression
Refusing to be aware nor accept impulses, yet the act still has an unconsciously controlled behavior.
Displacement
Transferring defense mechanism from one object/person to another
Example, yelling at wife because husband can’t yell at boss
Using putdowns when worried about relationship security
Sublimation
Displacement towards constructive/socially acceptable behaviors
Example: Taking dance classes to help with suicidal thoughts
Intellectualization
Process of speaking about emotional pain or trauma that detaches the client from reliving those events.
Denial
Distorting reality to to avoid acknowledging unwanted emotions/feelings
Overt Impulse Denial
Example: gay man openly dates women and criticize gay men
Projection
Places unwanted feelings unto others
Example: Person believes everyone hates him, when he hates himself
Silent repair
Partner unconsciously undoes wrongdoings, like cheating, with gifts or being overly nice
Self-sabotaging relationships
Stonewalling when stressed
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