For Women Dating Men
Last updated
Last updated
Both men and women can spark attraction without having to interact with the opposite sex. These are called passive attraction signals. Seeing a man’s fashion, body language, physique, height, etc., can all create his attraction towards women. However, the passive attraction signals women give off play a much larger role in a man’s overall attractiveness to her (generally speaking).
This doesn’t mean that women can’t build attraction in other ways, but optimizing for passive attraction signals is well worth the effort. Let’s first go over what it takes to improve passive attraction.
A great (if not the most effective) way to look healthier is to be healthier. If you aren’t already working out and have a healthy diet, we recommend you speak to your doctor for a regimen appropriate for your age/health. Working out and having a healthy diet can not only help you look your best, but you will feel better, too.
Being healthier is also correlated with having good hygiene. While you may have a healthy lifestyle, you may not take care of your hair, nails, or skin. Those are relatively low effort to maintain or improve, but can make your overall healthy appearance seem less potent if done improperly or neglected.
Women can spark attraction with a guy by having a quick-witted conversation, playful teasing, and many other behaviors that would be deemed “not friendly”. However, when it comes to passive attraction, appearing warm, inviting, amicable and not shy are behaviors that are more likely to catch men’s attention.
Men have a lot of (self-induced) pressure for approaching women with a romantic interest. Some of the pressure is rational. For instance, if a woman has closed off body language, she might be with another man.
Some good body language habits
Smile
Arms not crossed
Face outward
Not into a crowd
Be personable to whoever you’re interacting with
Not flirty
Face up and not at the ground or your phone
For one, a woman’s fashion says a lot about how well she takes care of her appearance. When it comes to sparking attraction, men want to know what women look like. They don’t need to examine every detail, but they won’t bother guessing what’s behind unflattering clothes (if it’s not appropriate for the context). It’s one of the first tells that she probably doesn’t put effort into looking attractive, now or in the future.
If a you don't have a great fashion sense, it doesn’t necessarily mean you're not taking care of yourself. In fact, sometimes having knowledge of a poor fashion sense can affect your healthy lifestyle choices, creating a negative loop. In pick clothes that present you in the best way possible, it can boost your confidence and motivate you to improve in all other areas.
Fashion also tells people around you what you're like as a person. For example, if a woman wears a t-shirt and jeans on a first date in an upscale bar, she may be more down-to-earth. Of course, inferences based on fashion are typically generalizations and sometimes have no grounding at all. But that doesn’t mean women shouldn't be advised to dress the way that communicates who they are. Fashion that is personalized a subtly stands out is also a sign of confidence, it’s inviting, and can help break the ice.
There are a multitude of beauty products that can in fact improve a woman’s attraction. For a generalized approach, focus on maintaining a glowing complexion and a polished look. It projects confidence, health, and self awareness - a much better outcome than a botched makeover.
Active attraction is the attraction women create when interacting with men. Many of the behaviors that will draw men in, are similar to the body language or habits related to passive attraction. That type of body language makes men more comfortable and throughout the interaction, which also lets women see who the man is when his guard is down.
There are many ways women can become more attractive by interacting with men over time. These tips are focused on how attraction can be sparked in the first interaction with men.
Realistically, few people are super positive all the time. And it’s important for women to find a man who’s attuned to her. But in a first-impression, showing off their positive, enthusiastic side tells men you do, in fact, have a positive side to you.
Smile, not only does smiling indicate that you are energetic and upbeat, but it also makes you more accessible, approachable and attractive without saying a word.
Women don’t have to pretend that everything men say is amazing in order to keep the positive vibe.
Men find it endearing when women are interested in them, but it won’t engage their interest as much as genuine interest.
How to keep it genuine:
Don’t ask questions about something he said that you’re not interested in.
Show varying degrees of interest
Avoid surface level questions
Avoid abruptly changing the subject
Unless the conversation topic is light
Don’t inhibit yourself from laughing
Don’t force smiling if something or someone is off-putting
Compliment appropriately
Witty banter
Shows confidence, lightheartedness and… wit.
Tease - playfully
Teasing is very powerful
Good Example: Man orders a martini at the bar, woman replies with “Oh I didn’t realize I was talking to James Bond” or “Let me guess, shaken, not stirred?”
Comforts men, making them feel like what seem as jokes at their expense are not to be taken seriously
Promotes bonding over vulnerability, especially if the tease is caught of guard
Makes for an enjoyable conversation
Birthplace of many inside jokes
Easy to transition into a romantic conversation, as opposed to a job-interview.
Teasing, on the other hand, an uncalibrated tease can backfire just as it is effective
Bad Example: Man orders a martini at the bar, woman replies with “Haha you’re not James Bond”
Even the most confident men are put off by a tease guised as put-downs. They, like most people, prefer spending time with someone who admires them for who they are.
Nobody is perfect and teases are a great way to “hint” to one another on how they can improve. Teasing loses this effect when it makes the other feel disrespected and in danger of losing affection/interest.
If you feel your teasing is inadequate, try role playing scenarios in which you try coming up with a tease.
Don’t take conversations too seriously
Any serious topic can be discussed, but at the same time, any topic, including superficial ones can be taken too seriously.
When you feel emotionally invested into the conversation (not the man you're trying to date), you're taking it too seriously.
Holding gaze for longer than you would normally hold it for with men you’re not interested in.
Don’t turn it into a staring contest, look away occasionally.
Touching their arm
Forearm
Shoulder
Hand
Touching on the skin is preferred if doable
Instead of clothes. A simple touch on the arm is all it takes to produce Oxytocin, the love hormone. Touch enables the man to sense what it would be like to be in closer proximity to the woman.
Some tips:
Go for high-fives
Lightly touch to get his attention
Sit close to one another (normally on a first date) like at a bar stool so make it easier to touch. Sitting next to one another as opposed to across from one another also lessens the pressure one can experience in an interview like setting.
You may have personal issues that prevent or deter you from dating. This section addresses some of those common concerns and how you can help yourself overcome them.
Today, entering the dating world is especially difficult and the different genders face many similar issues. However, there are ones more common for women.
What women say that reveals an underlying insecurities:
Men only want the skinny models
They’re not feeling in shape
Men only want to date women much younger than themselves
Men won’t want me because I have kids
Especially the health of the kid
Men won’t want me cause I’m separated/still going through a divorce
I’m not good enough
Not worthy of love
I’m too old to date
Men just cheat
I'll intimidate him like the others
Probably because she makes a good income which is likely less than more guys.
They’re taller than most men
Women may outright say what they fear about online dating, as listed above in Common Fears/Insecurities. Sometimes it’s a bit trickier to figure it out.
One thing women tend to do more than men when feeling insecure about dating, is that they will prevent confronting situations that threaten to trigger their insecurities. One way they do this is by coming up with a laundry list of non-deal-breaking or trivial reasons for not seeing a guy on a date. This is a good sign you can change the focus to be about possible fears/insecurities they may be having.
Insecurities may sometimes lead to anxiety. Similar to how women avoid putting themselves in situations that may trigger than insecurities, they may cancel dates or avoid calling/texting back dates that went well because of their anxiety. They may not always be forthcoming about their anxiety, but you can help bring the idea to their awareness.
Many of these concerns reveal uncertainty or insecurity about their value. Here are several techniques to address these concerns:
Write down a list of what you want
In addition to helping you be more aware of their preferences
Do you feel you can eventually find a man who has the values you're seeking.
If all you have to say is “Tall, dark, intelligent and handsome”, you'll likely still feel inadequate.
If you list qualities like “Outdoorsy, family-oriented, reserved” - you'll feel like that type of man is more attainable.
Ask yourself if you possess the traits you've described you're looking for in men.
Ask how a friend would describe you
This opens you up to viewing yourself more objectively
Be more self-compassionate
Self-care as if you're nurturing yourself
Men and women face vastly different challenges with online dating. But their experiences are similar - it’s confusing, frustrating, and hopeless at times. This section will help you guide female clients through the challenges they confront in online dating and generally how to get started.
The playing field is uneven in online dating. There are a lot more men prepared to go on a first date with a woman based on her profile and short text conversation - often times, no text conversation required. This makes many women overwhelmed with attention.
Women seem to have endless opportunities to go on dates with new men (relative to what they previously thought). But they quickly find out that they’d only consider taking up the opportunity with a small fraction of interested men. As a coach, you can help them make better selections and make them much more efficiently.
If you imagine the long run, prepare to have some of those qualities go away so filter with that in mind. Many women get stuck online dating because they have pigeon holed themselves with such a small laser beam of opportunity.
Easy to verify filters
Race
Height
Most women are attracted to tall men, (6 feet + is most common preference), however only 14% of men are over 6 feet tall. Only 4% are over 6’2”. Getting stuck on height is an excellent way to diminish the pool of potential match.
If the women is tall, this is a more realistic parameter
3 inches rule - If the woman is 5’5” for example then set height parameters at 5’8”+
Cutting down 84% of your dating pool
Hair
Women will often choose not to date men who are bald, men are likely to lose their hair as they age, yet their characteristics will last a lifetime. This is an area to open clients up on. As is hair color, there’s a difference between preferences and deal breakers.
Children
this is a concern for women under 40 who may want children of their own. Just because a man already has children doesn’t mean he isn’t open to having more. Encourage clients to keep an open mind.
Food
Mixed food diet couples can work; Vegans, Vegetarians, Pescatarians, and meat-eaters can become happy couples. But if they don’t respect one another’s diet choices, it’s going to be a bigger and bigger issue in the long run.
Harder to verify filters
Ambition vs Wealth
Many women are drawn to men who men who are confident, established and successful in career. Yet, some women may get caught up the $ and feel a man should be making X amount of $ a year and own certain materialistic properties. Encourage clients to look at the attitude behind the surface. A relationship can’t be built upon a paycheck or a mercedes, but if a woman is ambitious and driven, then it’s perfectly realistic for her to admire the same qualities in a partner.
Both one just one of these may be important to women
Make sure to figure out which one.
Some women who look at a guy’s career may really be interested in ambition.
The man could be driven in ways that are non-standard, like in music and has an up and coming band.
How they process the world around them.
Some people like to think and talk about the bigger picture of things. They enjoy connecting together concepts from unrelated areas and aren’t preoccupied as much with what’s in front of them.
For example, their dinner table conversation about the new indoor cycling class may turn into a conversation about how people in their class may segue into a conversation about how the cycling class made them appreciate outdoor cycling, then a social commentary on outdoor vs indoor cyclist.
Some people prefer thinking about and talking about matters and events in a more grounded/realistic way. They prefer sticking to facts over conjectures and focus on things they can see and feel as opposed to abstract concepts.
Going off the same example above, the conversation may lead into what types of dietary plans fit best with indoor cycling is a better alternative to running because they don’t pose the same health risks, but both are quality cardio workouts.
Call before the date if you haven’t spoken together
Not required but recommended
If you feel it’s off, the date probably will be too
Watch for premature rejection thoughts
Normally from insecurity
With more security, women will feel empowered and less vulnerable to the man’s intentions
Good confidence
Uninhibited
Serving staff
Assuming who he is and his intentions
Articulate
Relaxed
But stay your best self
Choosing the right app is important in online dating for women. The hardest thing to determine in people, and this is especially the case with dating, is intention. Online dating is a great way to meet new people, however it’s disorganized. In order to be successful, women must put themselves into a pool of men who are the quality they’re seeking and also who are on the same page; relationship oriented. A lot of apps and sites attract men who are not looking for anything serious. All you really need nowadays is a pulse to open up an account. Choosing websites and apps that require more effort, increase the chances of more aligned intentions.
Paid site
choosing a paid site such a Match.com or Eharmony shows a level of commitment to the process.
Bumble > Tinder
If cost is a factor, then bumble is the better option. Bumble has recently updated their platform, it now lists height, hobbies/interests, career, and education. It gives women more information on their potential matches prior to swiping than tinder. It also has a timestamp. Matches will disappear in 24 hours unless both parties have started dialog. This screens out the men who are communicating. Women also engage first on bumble, which relieves some of the pressure off of men. Women being the “choosers” online, can simply open with “Hi handsome :)”, and let men take it from there.
POF (Plenty of Fish)
coined “plenty of bottom feeders”. Women are overwhelmed with messages on this platform and this can lead to overwhelm and giving up online dating completely.
For women ages >=35, match.com
More relationship oriented
Elite Singles
This a great paid site for professional women who are looking for a match on their professional level. It has less users than match, so only suggest this site if the client lives in a highly populated city or is open to dating in one.
Just as with men’s online dating, an efficient profile is important, however, men are visual creatures and need much less emotional value to spark interest. Therefore the emphasis should be on painting a picture of who she is via photos. Keep the bio short and sweet.
Write bio- a bio should contain the following aspects:
Who you are
Who he is
Paint a picture of what the relationship will be like
Example
Humor and a thirst for adventure goes a long way. If you enjoy sailboating, playing golf, eating at nice restaurants, bingeing on netflix - all in the same day - we might get along :) I’m a lover of life, filled with passion for my career, family and my active lifestyle. I am hardworking, caring and very loyal. I'm at the point in my life where I'm looking for a true partnership. You are intelligent, affectionate, and down-to-earth, like me :) I love quiet confidence, it’s sexy, and I love a man with purpose.
Photos
Main pic shows off their face
Include photos that show the body clearly
Show action shots - showcase your passions and interests
Don’t lead with your body
If you’re showing it off, make sure it’s in context. Otherwise you’ll be getting attention from men with one thing in mind and it’s not a relationship. (Keep this in mind in reference to wardrobe during the actual date as well!)
Suggest professional photography - good photos make all the difference online dating.
Location photos shouldn’t highlight the location, you should
Photo tips: Research tells us that men say the least attractive color on a woman are yellow and brown. Men say the MOST attractive color a woman can wear is red. Use this to your advantage on your profile and dates.
App filters
Filter by things that won’t make you filter out the guys you want
Can still keep these filters but broaden the range
Like education
Height
Age
Hobbies, Interests, Music, Dietary restrictions
Put in personal deal-breakers
Ethnicity
Smoking
Religion
If it’s a preference, it’s not a deal-breaker
The conversation
Conversation should go on for a few exchanges, like 10 back and forths
No pen-pals
Alluding to wanting to meet, but never making a concrete plan
Is he putting in genuine effort to get to know you?
Early sweet talk is a bad sign
Ask 1 question about them that will reveal their interests
What do you do when you’re not at work?
Are they asking questions about you that aren’t related to your appearance?
Red flags
Talking a lot about appearance
Presumptuous
Talking about anything related to sex
Calling you by a pet-name
Babe
Asks to meet up on the 1st or 2nd message
Avoiding making a plan to meet
