For Women Dating Men

Passive Attraction

Both men and women can spark attraction without having to interact with the opposite sex. These are called passive attraction signals. Seeing a man’s fashion, body language, physique, height, etc., can all create his attraction towards women. However, the passive attraction signals women give off play a much larger role in a man’s overall attractiveness to her (generally speaking).

This doesn’t mean that women can’t build attraction in other ways, but optimizing for passive attraction signals is well worth the effort. Let’s first go over what it takes to improve passive attraction.

How To Improve Passive Attraction

Look healthy

A great (if not the most effective) way to look healthier is to be healthier. If you aren’t already working out and have a healthy diet, we recommend you speak to your doctor for a regimen appropriate for your age/health. Working out and having a healthy diet can not only help you look your best, but you will feel better, too.

Being healthier is also correlated with having good hygiene. While you may have a healthy lifestyle, you may not take care of your hair, nails, or skin. Those are relatively low effort to maintain or improve, but can make your overall healthy appearance seem less potent if done improperly or neglected.

Look happy/friendly/confident

Women can spark attraction with a guy by having a quick-witted conversation, playful teasing, and many other behaviors that would be deemed “not friendly”. However, when it comes to passive attraction, appearing warm, inviting, amicable and not shy are behaviors that are more likely to catch men’s attention.

Men have a lot of (self-induced) pressure for approaching women with a romantic interest. Some of the pressure is rational. For instance, if a woman has closed off body language, she might be with another man.

Some good body language habits

  • Smile

  • Arms not crossed

  • Face outward

  • Not into a crowd

  • Be personable to whoever you’re interacting with

  • Not flirty

  • Face up and not at the ground or your phone

Be fashionable

For one, a woman’s fashion says a lot about how well she takes care of her appearance. When it comes to sparking attraction, men want to know what women look like. They don’t need to examine every detail, but they won’t bother guessing what’s behind unflattering clothes (if it’s not appropriate for the context). It’s one of the first tells that she probably doesn’t put effort into looking attractive, now or in the future.

If a you don't have a great fashion sense, it doesn’t necessarily mean you're not taking care of yourself. In fact, sometimes having knowledge of a poor fashion sense can affect your healthy lifestyle choices, creating a negative loop. In pick clothes that present you in the best way possible, it can boost your confidence and motivate you to improve in all other areas.

Fashion also tells people around you what you're like as a person. For example, if a woman wears a t-shirt and jeans on a first date in an upscale bar, she may be more down-to-earth. Of course, inferences based on fashion are typically generalizations and sometimes have no grounding at all. But that doesn’t mean women shouldn't be advised to dress the way that communicates who they are. Fashion that is personalized a subtly stands out is also a sign of confidence, it’s inviting, and can help break the ice.

Aesthetic

There are a multitude of beauty products that can in fact improve a woman’s attraction. For a generalized approach, focus on maintaining a glowing complexion and a polished look. It projects confidence, health, and self awareness - a much better outcome than a botched makeover.

Active Attraction

Active attraction is the attraction women create when interacting with men. Many of the behaviors that will draw men in, are similar to the body language or habits related to passive attraction. That type of body language makes men more comfortable and throughout the interaction, which also lets women see who the man is when his guard is down.

How To Improve Active Attraction

There are many ways women can become more attractive by interacting with men over time. These tips are focused on how attraction can be sparked in the first interaction with men.

Exude a positive energy

  • Realistically, few people are super positive all the time. And it’s important for women to find a man who’s attuned to her. But in a first-impression, showing off their positive, enthusiastic side tells men you do, in fact, have a positive side to you.

  • Smile, not only does smiling indicate that you are energetic and upbeat, but it also makes you more accessible, approachable and attractive without saying a word.

Express genuine interest

  • Women don’t have to pretend that everything men say is amazing in order to keep the positive vibe.

  • Men find it endearing when women are interested in them, but it won’t engage their interest as much as genuine interest.

  • How to keep it genuine:

    • Don’t ask questions about something he said that you’re not interested in.

    • Show varying degrees of interest

    • Avoid surface level questions

      • Avoid abruptly changing the subject

        • Unless the conversation topic is light

    • Don’t inhibit yourself from laughing

    • Don’t force smiling if something or someone is off-putting

  • Compliment appropriately

Keep it playful

  • Witty banter

    • Shows confidence, lightheartedness and… wit.

  • Tease - playfully

    • Teasing is very powerful

    • Good Example: Man orders a martini at the bar, woman replies with “Oh I didn’t realize I was talking to James Bond” or “Let me guess, shaken, not stirred?”

      • Comforts men, making them feel like what seem as jokes at their expense are not to be taken seriously

      • Promotes bonding over vulnerability, especially if the tease is caught of guard

      • Makes for an enjoyable conversation

      • Birthplace of many inside jokes

      • Easy to transition into a romantic conversation, as opposed to a job-interview.

  • Teasing, on the other hand, an uncalibrated tease can backfire just as it is effective

    • Bad Example: Man orders a martini at the bar, woman replies with “Haha you’re not James Bond”

      • Even the most confident men are put off by a tease guised as put-downs. They, like most people, prefer spending time with someone who admires them for who they are.

      • Nobody is perfect and teases are a great way to “hint” to one another on how they can improve. Teasing loses this effect when it makes the other feel disrespected and in danger of losing affection/interest.

  • If you feel your teasing is inadequate, try role playing scenarios in which you try coming up with a tease.

  • Don’t take conversations too seriously

    • Any serious topic can be discussed, but at the same time, any topic, including superficial ones can be taken too seriously.

  • When you feel emotionally invested into the conversation (not the man you're trying to date), you're taking it too seriously.

Eye contact

  • Holding gaze for longer than you would normally hold it for with men you’re not interested in.

  • Don’t turn it into a staring contest, look away occasionally.

Light touching

  • Touching their arm

  • Forearm

  • Shoulder

  • Hand

  • Touching on the skin is preferred if doable

    • Instead of clothes. A simple touch on the arm is all it takes to produce Oxytocin, the love hormone. Touch enables the man to sense what it would be like to be in closer proximity to the woman.

  • Some tips:

    • Go for high-fives

    • Lightly touch to get his attention

    • Sit close to one another (normally on a first date) like at a bar stool so make it easier to touch. Sitting next to one another as opposed to across from one another also lessens the pressure one can experience in an interview like setting.

Inner Game

You may have personal issues that prevent or deter you from dating. This section addresses some of those common concerns and how you can help yourself overcome them.

Common Fears/Insecurities

Today, entering the dating world is especially difficult and the different genders face many similar issues. However, there are ones more common for women.

What women say that reveals an underlying insecurities:

  • Men only want the skinny models

  • They’re not feeling in shape

  • Men only want to date women much younger than themselves

  • Men won’t want me because I have kids

    • Especially the health of the kid

  • Men won’t want me cause I’m separated/still going through a divorce

  • I’m not good enough

  • Not worthy of love

  • I’m too old to date

  • Men just cheat

  • I'll intimidate him like the others

  • Probably because she makes a good income which is likely less than more guys.

  • They’re taller than most men

Fears/Insecurities expressed

Women may outright say what they fear about online dating, as listed above in Common Fears/Insecurities. Sometimes it’s a bit trickier to figure it out.

One thing women tend to do more than men when feeling insecure about dating, is that they will prevent confronting situations that threaten to trigger their insecurities. One way they do this is by coming up with a laundry list of non-deal-breaking or trivial reasons for not seeing a guy on a date. This is a good sign you can change the focus to be about possible fears/insecurities they may be having.

Insecurities may sometimes lead to anxiety. Similar to how women avoid putting themselves in situations that may trigger than insecurities, they may cancel dates or avoid calling/texting back dates that went well because of their anxiety. They may not always be forthcoming about their anxiety, but you can help bring the idea to their awareness.

Addressing Common Fears/Insecurities

Many of these concerns reveal uncertainty or insecurity about their value. Here are several techniques to address these concerns:

Help realize your own

  • Write down a list of what you want

  • In addition to helping you be more aware of their preferences

  • Do you feel you can eventually find a man who has the values you're seeking.

    • If all you have to say is “Tall, dark, intelligent and handsome”, you'll likely still feel inadequate.

    • If you list qualities like “Outdoorsy, family-oriented, reserved” - you'll feel like that type of man is more attainable.

  • Ask yourself if you possess the traits you've described you're looking for in men.

  • Ask how a friend would describe you

    • This opens you up to viewing yourself more objectively

  • Be more self-compassionate

    • Self-care as if you're nurturing yourself

Online Dating

Men and women face vastly different challenges with online dating. But their experiences are similar - it’s confusing, frustrating, and hopeless at times. This section will help you guide female clients through the challenges they confront in online dating and generally how to get started.

The Challenges

The playing field is uneven in online dating. There are a lot more men prepared to go on a first date with a woman based on her profile and short text conversation - often times, no text conversation required. This makes many women overwhelmed with attention.

Women seem to have endless opportunities to go on dates with new men (relative to what they previously thought). But they quickly find out that they’d only consider taking up the opportunity with a small fraction of interested men. As a coach, you can help them make better selections and make them much more efficiently.

Focus On The Long Run

If you imagine the long run, prepare to have some of those qualities go away so filter with that in mind. Many women get stuck online dating because they have pigeon holed themselves with such a small laser beam of opportunity.

  • Easy to verify filters

    • Race

    • Height

      • Most women are attracted to tall men, (6 feet + is most common preference), however only 14% of men are over 6 feet tall. Only 4% are over 6’2”. Getting stuck on height is an excellent way to diminish the pool of potential match.

      • If the women is tall, this is a more realistic parameter

      • 3 inches rule - If the woman is 5’5” for example then set height parameters at 5’8”+

      • Cutting down 84% of your dating pool

    • Hair

      • Women will often choose not to date men who are bald, men are likely to lose their hair as they age, yet their characteristics will last a lifetime. This is an area to open clients up on. As is hair color, there’s a difference between preferences and deal breakers.

    • Children

      • this is a concern for women under 40 who may want children of their own. Just because a man already has children doesn’t mean he isn’t open to having more. Encourage clients to keep an open mind.

    • Food

    • Mixed food diet couples can work; Vegans, Vegetarians, Pescatarians, and meat-eaters can become happy couples. But if they don’t respect one another’s diet choices, it’s going to be a bigger and bigger issue in the long run.

  • Harder to verify filters

    • Ambition vs Wealth

    • Many women are drawn to men who men who are confident, established and successful in career. Yet, some women may get caught up the $ and feel a man should be making X amount of $ a year and own certain materialistic properties. Encourage clients to look at the attitude behind the surface. A relationship can’t be built upon a paycheck or a mercedes, but if a woman is ambitious and driven, then it’s perfectly realistic for her to admire the same qualities in a partner.

    • Both one just one of these may be important to women

    • Make sure to figure out which one.

    • Some women who look at a guy’s career may really be interested in ambition.

    • The man could be driven in ways that are non-standard, like in music and has an up and coming band.

  • How they process the world around them.

    • Some people like to think and talk about the bigger picture of things. They enjoy connecting together concepts from unrelated areas and aren’t preoccupied as much with what’s in front of them.

    • For example, their dinner table conversation about the new indoor cycling class may turn into a conversation about how people in their class may segue into a conversation about how the cycling class made them appreciate outdoor cycling, then a social commentary on outdoor vs indoor cyclist.

    • Some people prefer thinking about and talking about matters and events in a more grounded/realistic way. They prefer sticking to facts over conjectures and focus on things they can see and feel as opposed to abstract concepts.

    • Going off the same example above, the conversation may lead into what types of dietary plans fit best with indoor cycling is a better alternative to running because they don’t pose the same health risks, but both are quality cardio workouts.

  • Call before the date if you haven’t spoken together

    • Not required but recommended

    • If you feel it’s off, the date probably will be too

    • Watch for premature rejection thoughts

    • Normally from insecurity

    • With more security, women will feel empowered and less vulnerable to the man’s intentions

  • Good confidence

  • Uninhibited

  • Serving staff

  • Assuming who he is and his intentions

  • Articulate

  • Relaxed

  • But stay your best self

Picking The Right App

Choosing the right app is important in online dating for women. The hardest thing to determine in people, and this is especially the case with dating, is intention. Online dating is a great way to meet new people, however it’s disorganized. In order to be successful, women must put themselves into a pool of men who are the quality they’re seeking and also who are on the same page; relationship oriented. A lot of apps and sites attract men who are not looking for anything serious. All you really need nowadays is a pulse to open up an account. Choosing websites and apps that require more effort, increase the chances of more aligned intentions.

  • Paid site

  • choosing a paid site such a Match.com or Eharmony shows a level of commitment to the process.

  • Bumble > Tinder

  • If cost is a factor, then bumble is the better option. Bumble has recently updated their platform, it now lists height, hobbies/interests, career, and education. It gives women more information on their potential matches prior to swiping than tinder. It also has a timestamp. Matches will disappear in 24 hours unless both parties have started dialog. This screens out the men who are communicating. Women also engage first on bumble, which relieves some of the pressure off of men. Women being the “choosers” online, can simply open with “Hi handsome :)”, and let men take it from there.

  • POF (Plenty of Fish)

  • coined “plenty of bottom feeders”. Women are overwhelmed with messages on this platform and this can lead to overwhelm and giving up online dating completely.

  • For women ages >=35, match.com

  • More relationship oriented

  • Elite Singles

  • This a great paid site for professional women who are looking for a match on their professional level. It has less users than match, so only suggest this site if the client lives in a highly populated city or is open to dating in one.

Online Dating Profile & Filtering

Creating the profile

Just as with men’s online dating, an efficient profile is important, however, men are visual creatures and need much less emotional value to spark interest. Therefore the emphasis should be on painting a picture of who she is via photos. Keep the bio short and sweet.

  • Write bio- a bio should contain the following aspects:

    • Who you are

    • Who he is

    • Paint a picture of what the relationship will be like

    • Example

      • Humor and a thirst for adventure goes a long way. If you enjoy sailboating, playing golf, eating at nice restaurants, bingeing on netflix - all in the same day - we might get along :) I’m a lover of life, filled with passion for my career, family and my active lifestyle. I am hardworking, caring and very loyal. I'm at the point in my life where I'm looking for a true partnership. You are intelligent, affectionate, and down-to-earth, like me :) I love quiet confidence, it’s sexy, and I love a man with purpose.

  • Photos

    • Main pic shows off their face

    • Include photos that show the body clearly

    • Show action shots - showcase your passions and interests

    • Don’t lead with your body

    • If you’re showing it off, make sure it’s in context. Otherwise you’ll be getting attention from men with one thing in mind and it’s not a relationship. (Keep this in mind in reference to wardrobe during the actual date as well!)

    • Suggest professional photography - good photos make all the difference online dating.

    • Location photos shouldn’t highlight the location, you should

    • Photo tips: Research tells us that men say the least attractive color on a woman are yellow and brown. Men say the MOST attractive color a woman can wear is red. Use this to your advantage on your profile and dates.

Filtering

  • App filters

    • Filter by things that won’t make you filter out the guys you want

      • Can still keep these filters but broaden the range

        • Like education

    • Height

      • Age

        • Hobbies, Interests, Music, Dietary restrictions

    • Put in personal deal-breakers

      • Ethnicity

      • Smoking

      • Religion

      • If it’s a preference, it’s not a deal-breaker

  • The conversation

    • Conversation should go on for a few exchanges, like 10 back and forths

      • No pen-pals

        • Alluding to wanting to meet, but never making a concrete plan

      • Is he putting in genuine effort to get to know you?

        • Early sweet talk is a bad sign

      • Ask 1 question about them that will reveal their interests

        • What do you do when you’re not at work?

        • Are they asking questions about you that aren’t related to your appearance?

  • Red flags

    • Talking a lot about appearance

    • Presumptuous

    • Talking about anything related to sex

    • Calling you by a pet-name

      • Babe

    • Asks to meet up on the 1st or 2nd message

    • Avoiding making a plan to meet